Why Your Romantic Relationships Are Painful AF + How To Fix It

Can we talk about something that makes life soooo damn hard? 



You know how it goes. You meet someone you like. You start dating, and they end up on a pedestal. You may try not to, but you inadvertently idolize them in a way. They can do no wrong...

Until they do. Because they're human. Because you're human.

Or you have that teacher or that parent that you look up to, but then they do something that makes you question them.

Or you have that friend that you have to hang out with allll the time, and when you don't, you feel like you're missing an arm.


There's nothing wrong with having relationships or loving other humans.

I believe we're here to have relationships, and to learn through our love for one another.

But the thing is, we make other people Special, and it Kills our relationships, sucking the life out of them and out of us.

It's not because they're better than us or better than other people.

It's because we search for all of our missing parts in them. So we unconsciously ask them to fill in our perceived shortcomings and "gaps", our perceived limitations, which is a LOT to ask of someone else. 

And all this does... is take the innate power and love we all have inside of us, away from us. Instead of looking outward, we need to look inward.

Obsessing over being special is one thing, but imagine how much of that we then project onto the world.

It’s time to free our spouses, boyfriends, friends, siblings, parents, and everyone else from our false idealization of them.

Let’s start seeing that we are all uniquely, equally powerful, loving and deserving of all peace, prosperity and joy.



I can’t tell you how often I’ve projected my own inadequacies onto someone else. You’d cringe if you knew how hell-bent I’ve been to have my boyfriends and friends make up for my own perceived shortcomings.

I often thought that I couldn’t have what I wanted, and I couldn’t be who I wanted which made me feel like shit… so I convinced myself that that special someone was going to make me feel the way I wanted to feel.


But again and again, that special someone fell short of my expectations, because I was handing over my power to them - believing that I didn't deserve pleasure unless I received it from someone “special”.

I saw all of the things I wished I had in myself, within my boyfriends and friends. It always seemed to be outside of me...

Those things that I wanted, or thought I wanted.

Everything I wasn’t, they were. It’s that whole opposites attract thing coming into play. I wanted to be more athletic and in great shape, more charismatic, more popular and outgoing, so I’d date people who had all of those qualities hoping it would rub off on me.


I’d feel so damn good in the relationship for a while. I’d temporarily feel the way I wanted to with the guy and then we’d begin to fizzle, because it would come to light that I wasn’t who I had been projecting.

No one wants to date someone who isn’t cool with being themselves.

Of course, we’d fizzle out and break up. Every time, it would break my heart. I put so much time and energy into these men, so why wasn’t it working out? They were so special to me, but I never felt special enough to them. 


I never felt like enough.

It wasn’t them. It was me.

Image from  Giphy .

Image from Giphy.

What I was really looking for, was LOVE.

I was idolizing my boyfriends. I put them on pedestals, and saw them as perfect until they’d fall short of my insane expectations for myself and for them. I searched for meaning and the feelings I wanted to feel about myself, through them and my relationship with them. I hoped, on some subconscious level, that by being with these men, I’d be “better”. 

But my idolizing them, only left me feel bad. Like really bad. Not because they’re bad people. They were all outstanding humans, honestly. I love them all still in my own way (unromantically). It just came to light that I had let my Fear Focus cloud my judgement and ruin the relationship.

I made the relationship and the other person special, and so it was never built on mutual, unconditional love or trust. It was never built on full faith, because in my eyes, one of us was always better than they other. It was based on one of us always being better than, more than, greater than the other.

And if one is up, then the other is down.

I did this same thing with friends, with classmates, with my siblings, and in so many other areas… in a non-romantic way. I continued to always see myself or others as better than/less than, special or not so special, higher or lower on the totem pole… and it just perpetuated the constant loneliness, fear and sadness I felt within myself. 

But this isn’t the way it has to be.


In a Sacred Relationship, or as A Course In Miracles calls it - a "Holy Relationship" - the relationship is truly an equal partnership built on unconditional love and faith in which we experience divine, universal, unconditional love in ourselves, and therefore, are available to experience it equally within another. 

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A course in Miracles : Combined Volume

In this relationship, we see our own truth and our own love, embodied within us.

We worship ourselves, not above anyone else, but equally.

We honor ourselves as equally as we honor others.

We love ourselves as unconditionally as we love others.

And the truth is .... we TRUST ourselves fully to know that we are Love, and we are here to love, to be with love, and to expeirence unconditional, universal Love.


And when we recognize taht Love within us, THEN and only then do we receive it from others... because truthfully, that is when we recognize it from another, more deeply than ever before.

That is the truth of the way that we Love.

It is not only about romantic feelings. 

It isn't about sex, fun, or beauty or even liking the same shit.

It's about LOVING the self and LOVING life so fully, that you can experience that adventure with anyone and feel love from them...

Because you know you ARE Love and your are Loved innately.

This is what A Course In Miracles teaches. 


Imagine: what if there was NO pedestal.

No idolization.

No better or worse.

No upper or lower hand.

What if there was no one who is more or less special? 

No one who contributes more or less, no one who is expected to contribute more or less?

What if there were no rules, or responsibilities, and there was only PURE devotion to self, and to the person in front of you who is truly an aspect OF you, a part of you in another body?

Without any of that stuff, the relationship is in total harmony all the time, and it thrives in equality and unity.

Instead of it being linear, with one person at higher and the other lower, it’s circular. 

Love and The Universe are at the center of this circle connecting and unifying you both. You and your partner, or the other people or things in the relationship, revolve around The Universe’s state of love and exist within that love - not unlike a baby’s mobile that would hang over their crib.

That is what makes it sacred.


The Sacred Relationship revolves around Universal love.
Fear has no place in it.


In these sacred relationships you’ll begin to know these truths:


When you release fear, you welcome faith. 

When you love yourself, you are free to love unconditionally.

When you trust yourself, you are free to trust.

When you value yourself, you are able to truly value others.

When you see The Universe in you, you see The Universe in everything and everyone.

When you accept everyone as equal, everyone is unified.

When you release Special, you are free to finally experience Sacred.


The Special Relationship in which we see one person as better or worse, more or less loving, more or less deserving, more or less right... more or less ANYTHING...

This relationship holds both parties hostage. You become prisoner to your own fears projected upon the relationship with the other person.


Neither is enough where they are, and so they constantly project their shortcomings, needs, and desires on to each other. They’re constantly out of alignment, out of harmony, and seeking to find something the other one has. 


They exist in fear. And Love is hard to recognize when fear is present.


They aren’t free, loving, or accepting of their wholeness, because they haven’t welcomed The Universe into all aspects of the relationship yet.

You aren’t free to do or be anything, to give or receive anything, if you don’t believe that you are free in the first place. 

Trust that The Universe is within all, and lean into that loving energy instead of fear, and you’ll be free to love unconditionally and limitless in the relationships you’re in.


In this Sacred or "Holy" Relationship, specialness doesn't exist, and faith and freedom lead the way.

The sacred relationship is easier to exist in, but when we see the world through the lens of fear instead of love, it’s difficult to be in this relationship…

Or at least it’s difficult to recognize that we’re in it. Because every relationship is an opportunity to welcome love and faith, and leave fear on the doorstep.

Every relationship is an assignment.

Your one assignment is to return to Love by experiencing it within yourself, and with the other person or thing in front of you. 


Every time you choose to be in a Sacred Relationship, full of universal recognition of the Love in both, it is a return to Love.


You get to choose. 


Do you choose faith, or fear?

Love, or lack?

Unity and connection and collaboration, or separation, attack, judgment and specialness?

Remember, that Sacred Relationships do not contain any lack, because both parties are whole and centered within themselves, and coming together whole, they only create more wholeness and more love. 


Don’t worry about getting it right


Focus on letting love lead the way in your own life, and you’ll watch all of your relationships improve naturally over time.


Because like attracts like.


The more centered, whole, at peace and loving you are within yourself, the more you’ll see that projected onto the world. 

The more you project and perceive love, peace, and The Universe in everything and everyone, the more you’ll radiate those same qualities out into the world. 

You’ll soon find you’re attracting of the same peaceful, centered, loving energy and beings who are ready to live in it, back into your Universe.


And you’ll find yourself in the beautiful, harmonized, loving Sacred Relationship with everything and everyone.


That’s the beauty of The Sacred Relationship: it exists in everything, in everyone, everywhere you go. Because The Universe’s loving energy is all that is. 

And the more you feel that and embody that deep love within YOURSELF... the more you'll receive it from others.